A Little Consulting Humor

Top Ten Things a Consultant Shouldn't Tell a Client

1. That was my first guess as well, but then I really thought about it.

2. You should see the hotel I'm staying at.

3. Hey, I just realized that I was in junior high when you started working here.

4. I like this office space. I'll have them put me in here when you're gone.

5. My rental car looks nicer than that junker you're driving.

6. Sure it'll work; I learned it in business school.

7. So what do you need me to tell you?

8. Of course it's right; the spreadsheet says so.

9. I could just tell you the answer, but we're committed to a three month project.

10. What are you, stupid?

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear from a Consultant

1. You're right; we're billing way too much for this.

2. Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added".

3. How about paying us based on the success of the project?

4. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.

5. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.

6. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.

7. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.

8. I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.

9. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.

10. Everything looks okay to me.

Top Ten Things You Shouldn't Say at a Consulting Interview

1. I'm a t-shirt and jeans kind of person.

2. Do you pay overtime?

3. I hate flying.

4. I'm useless without ten hours of sleep a night.

5. There are lies, damn lies, and statistics.

6. Do you cover rental cars for collision?

7. Stanford taught me that working in teams is great for slackers.

8. I think three letter acronyms are for people too stupid to remember whole phrases.

9. Two words: family first.

10. Call it what you want, it still means firing people.

Top Ten Ways To Know You're Dating/Married To A Consultant

1. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "diagnostic period".

2. Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.

3. Takes a half day at the office because, "Sunday is your day."

4. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation.

5. Tries to call room service from the bedroom.

6. Ends any argument by saying, "let's talk about this off-line."

7. Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review.

8. Can't be trusted with the car-too accustomed to beating up rentals.

9. Valentine's Day card has bullet points.

10. Refers to lovemaking as a "win-win".

Sign in a headhunter's open market in darkest Africa:
Ordinary brains $9/lb
Engineer brains $12/lb
Doctor brains $11/lb
Accountant brains $10/lb
Consultant brains $97/lb

Asked to explain the high cost of consultant brains, the proprietor said "You don't know how many consultants we have to catch to get a pound of brains!"

A consultant is an ordinary person 50 miles from home with a briefcase.

A consultant is someone who borrows your watch to tell you the time, and then keeps your watch.

A consultant who came upon hard times and had lost quite a few clients was forced to have a serious economic discussion with his wife and told her that they would simply have to cut back. "If you can learn to cook, we can get rid of the cook," to which the wife replied "Yes, dear, and if you can learn how to make love we can get rid of the gardener too."

A consultant's credo: Learn to be sincere even if you have to fake it.

A consultant is someone who comes in to solve a problem and stays around long enough to become part of it.

A tomcat who was fixed because he'd been bothering so many neighbors at night still continued to go out ... calling himself a consultant.

The Senior Partner in a prominent consulting firm died and headed for heaven, but was politely told by St. Peter to get into the Management Consultant line. Soon after he saw someone else come along, say he was a consultant and get right in. He complained, to which St. Peter responded "That was God. He only thinks he's a management consultant."

One consultant, told he was a pain in the neck, said he was glad to have been moved up.

A client with one consultant knows what to do. A client with two consultants is never sure.

Please don't tell my mother I'm a consultant. She thinks I play guitar in a strip joint.


There once was a contractor who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation. One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a contractor make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the contractor. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven." "Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the contractor in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and the contractor found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow contractors that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The contractor was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven."

So the contractor spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."

The contractor paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St Peter took her to the elevator where she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the contractor, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "That's because yesterday you were a contractor, but today you're permanent staff.


A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.
The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"


An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "Don't try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the fridge, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, "You're wasting too much time. Why don't you try carrying several things at once?"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten."


The chickens in a large hen house started to quarrel, wounded each other and many of them died every day. The upset farmer hurried to a consultant, and asked for a solution to his problem.
"Add baking-powder to the chickens' food," said the consultant, "it will calm them down."

After a week the farmer came back to the consultant and said: "My chickens continue to die. What shall I do?"
"Add strawberry juice to their drinking water, that will help for sure".

A week passed, and again the farmer came to the consultant: "My chickens are still quarrelling. Do you have some more advice?"

"I can give you more and more advice," answered the consultant. "The real question is whether you have more chickens."


The classified ad said, "Wanted: CEO needs a one armed consultant, with a social sciences degree and five years of experience."

The man who won the job asked, "I understand most of the qualifications you required, but why 'one armed'?"

The CEO answered, "I have had many consultants, and I am tired of hearing with each piece of advice the phrase 'on the other hand'."


A priest, a rabbi and a consultant were traveling on an airplane. There was a crisis and it was clear that the plane was going to crash and they would all be killed. The priest began to pray and finger his rosary beads, the rabbi began to read the Torah and the consultant began to organize a committee on air traffic safety.